Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What did Curt Cobain say to Courtney Love before he died?... Holes gonna be big!

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   me and my husband been happy for 20 years. And then one day we met.

   “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

   I hope when Jesus comes out of his cave, he sees his shadow so we can finally have spring.

   Yo Obama! I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish but Bush's hanging of Saddam was the best killing of all time! OF ALL TIME!!

   9/11...i thought it was on the 9th of November....i'll never get used the US date thing!

   Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   got Santa in a headlock

   "sometimes he feels like a nut, sometimes he don't "

   wondering... does anyone really believe that Barack Obama doesn't understand exactly what the Muslim Brotherhood is?

   How bad must the rest of the sperm be if the one with Downs Syndrome wins the race?

   I wonder how Donald Trump would feel if some entitled billionaire playboy grabbed one of his daughters by the P word.

   An intruder at the White House? Perhaps Trump should start with a garden wall before biting off more than he can chew.

   If you are a real man, take care of your woman. Because if you mistreat her, ignore her, or don't take her concerns seriously, another man will.

   Wat does this mean? "When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?" Mild obesity is not hereditary like ugliness.

   Forget Al Qaeda, negative people are the real terrorist.

   RIP Ann B. Davies (Alice from The Brady Bunch) The closest thing to a lesbian on 70s tv.

   If it wasn't for Als ice bucket challenge most americans wouldn't get to shower

   The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer