Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At McDonalds last night the dude gave me the wrong flavored McFlurry. I threw it back at him and screamed back, "You McF*CKED UP!"

   My girlfriend and I are going through a tough period...Its actually her first...

   i thought it was going to take us couple of days to beat libya! what happened? we should leave those arabic countries alone. we just cant beat them!

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   rael, I will trade my Obama for your Netanyahu and I will even throw in Joe Biden if you want him........

   I just accidentally sat on my phone and it said it recognized my face and unlocked.

   you look so beautiful.......GOD THIS THING SUCKS AT SARCASM

   Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?

   To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

   ..read this out loud ," I am we Todd did. I am sofa king we Todd did "

   Mary must've given some pretty good head for Joseph to buy into all THAT shi t.

   If I got a haircut and didn't post the selfie on social media, did I really get a haircut?

   Test driving a new Lexus, put a red bow on it & pulling into random people's driveways honking.

   Dorian just made landfall in Alabama and somehow made things better.

   No thanks, $40 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

   [being chased by a murderer] can we slow down I’m not wearing a bra

   I didn't mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident

   It was nice to see Rose from the Titanic do the coin toss..

   I really dont want to spend the next 4 years picturing Bill and Hillary lying in bed swaping hand jobs

   I’m dreaming of a White Christmas and yes I mean cocaine