Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RT @ebertchicago Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive

   mans evolution is from monkey to a man. But governments evolution is from man to a monkey. Both sad and funny

   Canadian Bacon? why don't they just call it HAM. silly canadians

   Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H

   I had phone sex last night. Had to get the morning after bill.

   I wish all gingers would just dye.

   It's never acceptable to hit a woman, unless that trick puts light mayo in your sandwich.

   Now we know why Trump wants nuts on flushing the toilets 10, 11, 12 times. He was stuffing the toilets with top secret documents.

   not only is band not a sport, it's just stupid. honestly. I want to watch football not freaks dressed up in some of the gayest costumes ever prance around the field

   Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, "Good evening ladies.

   Tommorow I am going to finish every conversation with "ACCORDING TO THE PROPHECIES"

   thinks she is FIT! And yes, she is definitely unpretentious!

   loves it when his wife butters his toast.

   As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,

   I'm so over hearing about Tiger and Jesse James. I think EVERYONE is just jealous that he was able to have all these women and get away with it for so long. Other sports figures and ploticians do this as well. They just haven't gotten caught yet!

   Did you break wind as well? Because hopefully a wind will blow you off of this page. Nobody cares about your bodily gases. Thank you.

   Went to store. A guy repeatedly screamed, "WOW, THATS A LOW PRICE!" I set him on fire. Now prices r even lower due to smoke damage

   women are like parkingspots . All the good ones are taken... and the rest is for handicaped people ...

   doesn't use butter , doesn't use cheese, doesn't use jelly or any of these , only uses vaseline......

   wouldn't join any club that would accept him as a member.