Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an all-black cat, I named him Cracker. I've never had an all-white cat before..

   Ladies; if your man has to stand on something to change a light bulb, you’re in a lesbian relationship.

   The death of Friends star David Schwimmer this afternoon came as a huge shock to me, but it's made me realize how this s ite is a primary source of news to many people. Which is why you just believed me that David Schwimmer is dead.

   Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.

   Happy Father's Day, Bruce Jenner!

   Sometimes you just gotta text your ex and remind them they ain't sh*t... Just in case they forgot.

   If you like Star Wars. Your Special. Will you fix my Computer!!!!??

   Dear God: If we can have Paul Walker back you can have Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus.

   Russell Wilson will blow it like all black leaders just watch

   The world will go to war over anything. The mess in Brussels right now. I mean, how important are sprouts. really.

   Young Trump supporters are the kids who sell a gram or oregano to you for $25.

   I got a new phone Friday, it has Texas Hold 'em installed and OH MY FREAKING GOSH IS IT SUNDAY ALREADY?????

   Lets cut to the chase here...How much will it cost me to get laid around here?

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?

   have you ever notices all the women who quote Marilynn Monroe, dont like nearly hot enough to be handled at their best, let alone their worst!!

   CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

   I'm having an anti-valentines party in my pants for all the single ladies.

   At some point I'm gonna have to start foingto the gym or do crystal meth. Just Sayin

   : Baby trump needs to read two folders a day of positive news about him self , so he can feel good about him self. Boy talk about a bunch of fake news.

   In hell your laundry is all fitted sheets.