Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that they're not making rulers any longer.

   Guys with no beard must also help with breastfeeding the baby.

   Trump In 1776: Women love me because they'll be hung by a rope in the town square if they declare otherwise.

   *Sees a truck: Nice... *Sees a trucker: Oh, impressive... *Sees a truckest: Ah yes,, This is what I came for.

   Did you know, Basket Of Deplorables is also the name of David Duke's indie band.

   Russia doesn't have to do what the UN wants. Not when they have videos of their ugliest call girls peeing on our ugliest President.

   So, Trump says he's the second coming of Jesus. Cool, that won't make God angry one bit.

   If I wanted a comeback from Brady I would have scraped the back of his throat

   ten years from now facebook "friends in common" we all be related to adam and eve

   Rough draft for fb: If men were as flexible as dogs, wives would make their husbands wear cones or they'd never go to work.

   It's official. FaceBook is the new High5

   Kate maybe getting the Crown Jewels, but I'd much rather Harrys jewels!

   just saw a beautiful pregnant woman on crutches. He immediately has a deeply ingrained lifetime fetish.

   I'm not sure who the heck Martha Graham is, but damn she inspired a great Google Doodle today.........

   I will be honest with you, when it comes to women, you are part of my "Quantity Over Quality" phase.

   38sec -The male minute-

   The thing about flukes is that they cannot be repeated. Case in point; Hangover 2, Ke$ha, Robert Pattison, Basic Instinct 2, Oceans 12 & 13.

   People say that I'm stubborn but I insist that I'm not. They eventually give in to me.

   I mixed a chunk of poop into the dog's shampoo so he wouldn't feel obligated to roll around in anything stinky after his bath.

   My WTF moment of the day... Two pretty girls poke me..Then proceed to slap a fresh pic of them with their Bf on their wall.. wtf!