Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all those who DO include the year of your birthdate on Facebook... we know you're young... and stupid... and about to be the next victim of identity theft!

   excuse me ma'am, you have lines of latitude covering your stomach and enough belly button crust for 3 pizzas. please pull your shirt down...

   the last time a tiger got a beating like that, was by a little blonde with a golf club!!! Roll Tide!!

   If you got a problem face it, don't Facebook it!

   I just heard that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went and adopted Justin and Selena....

   If I had an anal fissure, I would go around bragging, “I'm so ripped.”

   They say you are whatt you eat, but I dont remember eating a sexy beast,.......hahaha

   its sad that the teenagers born after 93... Will never get to truely remember Whitney Houston..

   Leap day AND hump day.. {insert clever remark here}

   My wife went out shopping and brought home the escalator. It was marked down.

   Does anyone know any strippers that accept ATM cards,

   ever meet someone and want to tell them to go get a bath????........with a toaster???

   going to take count of how many of his "clever" FB minions post the oh-so-original comment of "May the 4th be with you."

   If she falls asleep when you're in the mood for sex, consider it snoreplay.

   Paddle Faster I think I Hear Banjos !

   SO! My Dr tells me I have to take medication. Why? To stop you from slapping people who should be on medication. Hmmmm!

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   Sex so good she wakes up from her coma

   On a scale of Feebie from Friends to Samantha from sex and the city…just how crazy are you?

   Everytime I see someone post those "5 beautiful selfies" thing I comment with "Apparently you missed the whole "beautiful" part. Because I'm rather sick of the whole concept.