Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what commercial I really hate? All of em.

   THE ARTISTS may have the most Academy Awards Nominations, but at my house I have been nominated for BEST FATHER and BEST HUSBAND not forgetting BEST MASTER by my dog.

   going to write a report about procrastination for university tomorrow.

   so....my aunt doesn't want me using the word "fingerblast" in her husband's eulogy....what's next, I can't use "bloodfart" either?

   after getting sacked from work and going home to my wife all depressed she asked me "what's wrong"! Apparently "your jean size" was not the right answer!

   Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet.

   I dont know what all the hype is about with "Words with friends" and why everyone has to label it something different..... I just call it "Talking"

   If I'm looking for something and you ask me where did I see it last, I will slap the last person who asked me a dumb question.

   found some of my old action figures, so what if Mr. T is driving The General Lee, and GI Joe has to wear daisy dukes..

   likes to slide the popcorn around the bottom of the bowl and dredge up the butter!

   brad pitt and angelina jolie's kids must have lips like airbags

   I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as a hater. I'm more like a rational critic of rampant idiocy.

   When LIFE turns itz BACK on U.. SLAP itz a$$!!!!

   This is my Facbook status, 'like' it or not....

   Right all wrongs. Settle everything with love and understanding.

   Can Happiness buy money?

   Today Sandusky means "child molester" Not long from now it will mean "sombody's biach"

   When I'm hungry, I call you. When I'm horny, I call your friend.

   For relationship rules to work, always keep changing them and don't tell the other person what they are.

   I'll be your filthy, dirty, naughty girl every day. Not you, jackass. You either. You.