Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the future we will type with our toes to keep our hands free for punching robots.

   Up until 2 days ago, thanks to my news feed, I didn't even know Dean Cain was even still alive.

   If you wagered on the Pro Bowl....please seek immediate help for your problem..

   Kristen Stewart is like if Internet Explorer was a person.

   just discovered my other mail folder, I didnt realise I was so popular with the ladies telling me how amazing and fantastic I am.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility...

   Only in SC, would they close schools, universities, libraries, and declare a 'state of emergency' for snow that other states would consider to be a 'snow dusting'. I'm sure Boston would love type of snow that SC has that melts before noon.

   Looking for a job

   My wife just decided she will no longer be putting anything unhealthy into her body. Time for me to turn the clothes hanger back into a treadmill.

   If an FB post offends you, maybe check your conscience.

   My son got a Student of the Month award today. It wasn't his, but still...

   Why disappoint others, when you can disappoint yourself.

   I went to Denny's. I ordered poached eggs scrambled sunny side up over easy. The server spontaneously combusted.

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   Kellogg investigating video of man urinating on factory assembly line....Mmmmm pee-flavored Rice Krispees is a delicious healthy breakfast.

   I use brown eggs occasionally, if I am going to egg someone's car. . .

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...

   Now picture me using proper grammar. Wronger

   I will pay anyone $100 bucks to be at my wake in a Reapers costume holding a scythe. I will have it in my will to anyone who wants that job. . .

   So desperately in need of a mindgasm. Stimulation of the mind can be bliss but share it with someone and it becomes heaven on earth.