Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   hey look at you with your beady little eyes that are way too close together *BLOCKED*

   Sears is no longer a store, it's a place to question the purpose and fate of life on earth

   The main reason they thought Manti Te'o suffered a concussion, when he came to the sidelines he said he saw his girlfriend.

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   I wonder if Pink's carpet matches the name.

   At least it wasn't PITBULL who won the RAP ALBUM award.

   Can't decide what to get my lover for Valentine's. Like, do I buy it a new case, get it serviced or just constantly tell my phone I love it?

   Life is waaaaaay too short to safely remove a usb...

   Time is running out for me to discover the meaning of life

   If she's special you have to send her a text message to ensure she made it safely to her destination this morning.

   After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that’s also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, “You mean I’ve been eating a dangerous chemical?” While most people were like, “You mean I can eat my

   I hate when my mom tells people I'm 391 months old.

   Will there soon be an onslaught of Shirley Temple quotes like the Tupac and Marilyn Monroe quotes on facebook? I want to get in the game early and keep my edge

   I dont drink these days. I am Allergic to alcohol and Narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

   Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp...Is Mark Zuckerberg trying to put together The Infinity Gauntlet of Social Media ?

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last time! It's my turn!" said no one ever

   I'm in touch with my feminine side. ... She just doesn't know it yet.

   It's either have some chocolate or stab someone. I hope I have change because I have a knife...