Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First song on the radio this morning was "I got you babe"... for a second I thought I was re-living yesterday... and that I was Bill Murray...

   My new years Resolution to survive the end of the world and be sane.

   Before he tweeted the Pope had half a million followers, religion in a nutshell.

   Ok, just saw Jenny the Crypt Keeper dry hump a Bieber cardboard cutout. Seacrest should have gone down there and ash bombed her.

   Was thinking of buy my boyfriend a bunkbed so I could be on top more often

   sometimes the truth is hard to accept so I live in a dream

   Yoda only one for me

   I find it a little insulting when I do a facebook search for an old friend, and I get a message stating, "Sorry. There's no account set up for this person who obviously has a life."

   I believe Manti Te'o but it seems like no one else does. I've been arguing about it all morning with my imaginary girlfriend Tina

   Oh nooo just had a terrible dream where I was buying roses and chocolates for my Valentines's date. Thanks God it was just a dream!!!

   I'm going to shut off my phone round 9pm just to not get and avoid any desperate last minute chicks

   Many folks have a possession "bronzed". I'm talking about my b@lls. When she said she wanted something in the driveway that went from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds, maybe I shouldn't have put a bathroom scale out there.

   Keep your fancy milkshake and a yard, my chloroform and a dark basement are way more efficient.

   whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack...

   If everyone has a crack in their a$$, why are so many still full of $hit?

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   If I'm ever the defendant in a murder trial, I hope Forest Whitaker is the only eye witness.

   My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate

   After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.

   Hey John Mayer sorry you recently went through a breakup. Here, listen to this John Mayer song to help get you through it.