Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

   Godammit Rickon, zig zag you dumba$$. Didn't you watch The Apocalypse

   If you don't lose a finger or two this weekend can you really even call yourself an American.

   FBI Director James Comey: "probably hacked" .... In other news, ..... Russian universities dominate in 2016 Computer and Server Hacking Competition

   Having more RT's than likes is the social media unicorn.

   Flipping past the Bachelorette and immediately was texted by CVS letting me know my Valtrex prescription was filled.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.

   It wasn't until it came home with tattoos and a carton of cigarettes that I realized how bad the milk in my fridge had truly gone.

   Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

   Show your partner you're committed to a long term relationship by not supporting them in what they do.

   Bet the guy who invented hieroglyphics was high at the time.

   Teens spend 72% of their time on their phones and 28% of their time on other people's phones.

   I don't blame the US Olympic swimmers. Every time I vandalize a gas station bathroom, I always use the "I was robbed by a Brazilian" excuse.

   Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.

   Thank you myfitnesspal for helping me track my calorie intake. Apparently I'm eating enough every day to keep three people alive.

   Weed is for people who cant afford cocaine.

   I watched the1980's Karate Kid. I waxed the old man's car, sanded the floor, painted the fence and house. I'm still got my butt kicked because Hollywood lies.

   You made me think of "Hotel California," prepare to die.