Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When going voting I always feel like I am playing a game of pacman with the people out front trying to get you to sign stuff

   I upgraded...am I supposed to feeel differntly?

   My integrity is not for sale and won't be until it can fetch a better price.

   Those who criticize usually have nothing else better to do, or expect someone else to do it for them!

   Life is like a giant clogged up toilet If only someone was able to fix it...

   There is such a thing as making too good of an impression on the first date. I've wined and dined you superbly and we've had great conversation... now I gotta be Don Julio in the sack or this house of cards is gonna crumble.

   Ultrasonic teeth scaling at the dentist HAD to been invented by Josef Mengele....SONOFAB*TCH that hurts sometimes.

   Old saying is that curiosity killed the cat, but I am pretty sure it was that '16 Ford Expedition

   I thought it was PMS, but apparently wild mood swings and mango cravings are just part of who she is

   No thanks. 5 hours of energy sounds way too upsetting.

   If you have a bladder infection, "urine" trouble.

   Great now there’s a lipoflavonoid challenge. I have no idea what that is but it doesn’t sound good

   I'm okay with you being stup!d, but when you're both stup!d AND stubborn, then Houston, we have a problem.

   Happiness is the best drug on earth and I want to be the number one drug dealer

   My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.

   i think we due a bad spell of wether

   I had all kinds of plans for today but then I heard Rump Shaker on the radio and now all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

   On the day that daylight saving time begins. Every husband should have sex with their wife at 1:55am this way the wife can't complain about it only lasting ten minutes

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Cake are square.

   I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.