Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Available in 'Small' Medium' and 'Large'

   Rest in Peace Captain Phil...I guess catching crabs can really kill you!!!

   Yoga Pants should have a weight limit.

   He also said something about using ultraviolet light inside the body. So I guess Dumbo crats are now shoving flashlights up their butts.

   My arms are so sore from playing Wii, I can't even wank it.

   Anyone else feel a bit like Hitler when someone tells them about the president dying and all you can think is "It's only Poland".

   the only thing ORIGINAL in this world is weed. so sit back, chill out and talk to the cat.

   Just had sex with a Prostitute who had only one eye. Told her I might see her again. She said shed keep an eye out for me.

   not suitable for children!!!!!

   Life is really just a big game of pushing the trash down until the next person gives in and takes it out.

   .. If there was a liars hall of fame. He would be first person inducted.

   A BJ A Day Keeps Divorce Lawyers Away

   If the homosexuals are here to stay maybe they should all move to UGANDA. Problem solved.

   Yes it's unseaonally cold. But let's keep in mind those people in Niamey that are currently dealing with a 99 degree temperature.

   Getting ignored by even the old ugly women at work- your life sucks.

   If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it from a bar.

   This holiday season, please keep the 'Groundhog' in Groundhog Day.

   I just watched the "Times for the Seasons" video, glamour sexy hot chicks from the 60s, the realized they're now either past 80 or dead. ENJOY LIFE GUYS! its over soon

   I Can't Believe It Is And Is Not Schrödinger's Butter

   SpellCheck has saved MILLIONS of drunk morons, and has been the scapegoat for stupid people since it's invention.