Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really like Bill Cosby, but only for his stand up comedy and role as Dr. Huxtible... not for what he did to me in a hotel room.

   If you or someone you know is expecting and would like me to deliver the baby, please message me the date and location please and thank you. #bucketlist

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.

   Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do work and blame anyone but myself.

   I wanna be rich enough to wear a blouse and not look gay in it.

   "I'm just a boy .. standing in front of a girl ... asking her to deep throat him" - best line from Nobbing Hill

   i am the guy in the middle in the kmart joe boxer ad!

   Ass so fat it swims with a shirt on.

   i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, you collect it” so I wrote to the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   We are going to have a bake sale and the proceeds will go towards the abortion.

   Tried to kill a mockingbird but it mocked me and almost killed me instead...

   Don’t you just hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...but don’t you just hate it though when you hate it for no reason.

   my anaconda be starving

   Dr. Phil is human garbage and he should have hot sauce poured into every orfice of his body, then be given an ice cold shower and forced to stay in it for a couple hours.

   Some people around me are alive because I can't afford a hitman....!

   Doing the job of three men, Larry Moe and Curly.

   Why does my leg hurt after falling asleep? is it pissed off because I woke it up? It needs to be glad I am just waking it up and not cutting it off.

   I have a theory that the chicken crossed the road simply because it wanted to.

   never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of some of your Facebook friends. Eeek! Some of you are scary looking.

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!