Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing lowers the property value on a woman like a thigh bruise.

   "Parkinson's" is a way better name than what it was first called in the 70's - "Involuntary Boogie Party".

   China thinks they own the entire planet

   Brunch with a spork ...that's how I roll

   Famous people are droppin like flies..I mean..We had...Michael Jackson..Amy Whinehouse..Steve Jobs.. Whose next.. Lindsay Lohan?!

   So judging by their response, most folks around here don't shave their pubes.

   So many people wanting to cuddle because its cold now. Does nobody else cuddle year around?

   You know the feeling when someone starts talking to you about all the things you went through together , And you can not remember they name . The wifes just gone fxxcking apesh!t

   Why do firetrucks often accompany ambulances to a call? I'd be like "I'm not on fire; I just can't feel my legs! Chillax!"

   Taking "naps" sounds so childish... I prefer to call them 'horizontal life pauses'

   So Angry Birds is now the most popular phone app in the world. It's basically a game where brightly coloured squeaking chicks desperately launched themselves at pigs. It's basically a Mancunian night club simulator.

   to my cheating ass friend...message me, cuz I'm friends with your wife too

   I once smelled mothballs. I couldn't believe how hard it was spreading his tiny legs.

   SOME PEOPLE WILL THINK THIS STATUS HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, INFORMATIONAL, OR EVEN USEFUL... JUST BECAUSE I USED CAPITAL LETTERS!

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter

   I can smell Plutonium a mile away....Pu.

   My american friends!! While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Today Will Smith AND Jeff Goldblum saved the population of earth from alien oppression by uploading a

   Hey Little Drummer Boy -the Roman Army's hunting us, we're hiding in a barn & the baby's sleeping. Maybe STFU w/the drum.

   If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?