Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   eating Pizza Rolls and is not wearing pants.

   in no mood for a smoke today!!

   really thinks that the best method for retaining a healthy, youthful look is probably still one of the oldest methods: bathing in the blood of virgins.

   Approverypriate...Sorry - that was very inappropriate

   the first 100 years of marriage are the hardest

   What did that nurse say? Brain damage? F**k I was born during an earthquake.

   Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f****** with? That's me.

   Call Bruce Willis..I see red people...

   Cam Newton is being investigated on animal cruelty charges because apparently video evidence shows him applying beatings to bulldogs, hogs, tigers, chickens, bears, wildcats & wolves. He's stated his intention to beat elephants, ducks & dawgs soon...

   Trying to be original sucks..! You just kinda sit there & look around thinking and pondering about what would be good..I say forget being original..Just be Yourself..!

   Whats the hardest part about being a roller blader? Telling your parents your gay.

   Whenever a woman calls me "dude" I immediately assume she is a lesbian.

   it rude to ask someone to bleach their butthole before you toss their salad?

   These arrmy commercials always show video game stuff they don't show dudes tryna eat a pizza with no hands when they get back

   The splash back from my morning shi t is the only shower I'm taking

   You can always tell if she's one of my ex's...By the stretch marks around her mouth!

   My wife was banned from Disneyland for knocking Pinnochio down, sitting on his face and screaming "Lie to me!! Lie to me!"

   when ur boss calls you while ur having surgery to ask a stupid f ucking question, he's clearly a J EW who's going to h ell

   ♫♪♫♪ Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye ♪♪♫♫ Come on, Irene♫♪♪

   I call bullsh*t on potholes! There's no weed in there, trust me, I checked.