Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know where the closest government funded fetal part auction is?

   WOMEN ARE EVIL! WOMEN suck! Oh that reminds me... women are soft... ooh and warm and wet and... what was I b!tching about? Damn women!!!

   Boinga boinga boinga boinga (woman jogger) boinga boinga boinga.....

   If you wake up with a weird taste in your mouth on Chrismas morning, just remember that Santa only comes once a year...

   KONY - really? another villain as excuse to invade a country with enormous oil resources? I wonder if North Korea with the communist dictators level 150 launching nukes to the sea like wish lanterns will ever get attacked...

   How can the world end in 2012, if I have a can of corn that expires in 2013?

   If you're gonna copy my status, at least put me as a reference.

   I use the word Ni66a so I dont offend any ninjas!

   Everything happens for a reason. - What I say when I put my foot up so far up your ass you'll be sneezing toenails.

   My grandma fell on the floor, And it ended up being longer than 5 seconds,,, so we're gonna have to let her go.

   Hey Enrique Iglesias , umm when you said " I can be your hero baby ", did it work ? Cause its not working for me Lmaooo

   always gives 100% at work...25% Monday, 15% Tuesday, 5% Wednesday, 3% Thursday, 2% Friday and 50% sleeping throughout

   every time I see a mattress strapped to the top of a car I think its a prosty making house calls.

   How to be cool on facebook: Profile>Account Settings>Delete Profile

   I'm texting random phone numbers with "I just saw your Facebook Status. LOL"!

   Going to try to make meat loaf this week. Shape Meat into ball or loaf, place into pan, Cover with ketchup, turn on oven

   I started carrying around a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

   Who else feels like prank calling the voter's fraud hotline?

   I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

   Fox news: oops, "well after all they all do look a like."