Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know if curiosity ever really killed any cats, but I once smashed a beer mug on a guy's head for asking my age.

   At the store today I bought some recycled Tiolet paper....question....how did they get it so white?

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!!

   Oh, your in a relationship now? No more ‘LIKES’ for you!

   miley cyrus decided to go back to work instead of twerk

   It's been 25 years and they still aren't sure who framed Roger Rabbit. My alibi is Airtight!

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   my tooth is pounding like crazy! wheres the tooth fairy when you need her!?

   You can judge me, but you can't change me.

   I'm impressed with how much passive aggression a woman can pack into the letter "k."

   The Super Bowl is going to be cold, Sherman is a thug, Peyton says Omaha. We get it, ESPN.

   My boss insists I need to start using my head, so I wore a cap to work today.

   I am the only one who talks to his dog and then pretends like he is talking back?

   Why don’t blind people like to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How do they know when they are getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.

   Jingle Bells, Dalek smells, the Doctor saved the day. Oh what joy it was to see him saving Gallifrey.

   I love this new Pope...He is so different! I dont even think he's not even Christian. He excommunicated Italian Mafias on Mafia war. He's like Go to chruch...or nah! hashtag whateves!

   Marraige is a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child which cannot be handled by his parents anymore...

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11.

   SON: Yuck, there is a hair in my mouth. ME: Reminds me of HS when I ate our German exchange students pu- WIFE: *SMACK* ME: ...dding. Pudding.

   Grammar makes a difference... I punched my grandma in the face. Or.... I punched, my grandma, in t,he face...I don't know what I'm doing