Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   If chickens knew how tasteless they are without herbs and spices, they'd kill themselves.

   I don't want to say our Mom's cooking was bad,,, but, Years Ago,, we just filled the shaker with smelling salt...

   I may be a women but I sure do wish I had enough gentleman in me to pull off a monocle.

   Watching The Walking Dead, everyones finally safe and theres no dang...wait...Wheres Carl?

   I promise, I'm only gonna have 2 beers tonight.... 2 beers in dog beers

   With a great pair of legs comes great irresponsibility.

   Give me Cunnilingus or give me death.

   Ubid, Deal Dash and all other penny auctions are gambling sites for shopaholics.

   I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!

   I'm skipping The Big Bang Theory tonight because I didn't do the previous episode's homework assignment.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Proof that even chickens believe in an afterlife.

   It'd be pretty mind blowing if a cyclops had two buttholes.

   You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.

   A blind person just told me the braille pattern on my left nipple actually says 'will die alone'

   Rihanna wants to take time off to have a baby. We all know who's "Hitting" it.....No pun intended

   My favorite color is Nutella.

   My brother's boss just died. It's terribly upsetting. It's terribly upsetting that my brother's always had all the luck.

   women stay in shape so they can be trophy wife milfs

   completely worn out after spending the whole weekend at a genital jamboree.