Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says that boot, iron and wheelbarrow were voted as bottom 3 Monopoly piece finalists and in an old fashioned game of rock-paper-scissors, wheelbarrow attempted to cart boot off, but in the end it was iron receiving the boot in a hotly contested match.

   Warning to my friends who don't eat sweet and fatty foods, don't drink coffee, don't stay up late: One of these days you'll lose friends. Everyone's dead except you

   I accept all kind of vice, except you, your the worst habit known to existence.

   The more broken you are, the stronger you'll be once you're fixed.

   If you use the phrase tig ol' bitties with any seriousness, I'm certain that your ancestors weren't happy with how the Civil War turned out.

   I guess someone hacked in and changed the format...

   X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   If chickens knew how tasteless they are without herbs and spices, they'd kill themselves.

   I don't want to say our Mom's cooking was bad,,, but, Years Ago,, we just filled the shaker with smelling salt...

   I may be a women but I sure do wish I had enough gentleman in me to pull off a monocle.

   Watching The Walking Dead, everyones finally safe and theres no dang...wait...Wheres Carl?

   I promise, I'm only gonna have 2 beers tonight.... 2 beers in dog beers

   With a great pair of legs comes great irresponsibility.

   Give me Cunnilingus or give me death.

   Ubid, Deal Dash and all other penny auctions are gambling sites for shopaholics.

   I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!

   I'm skipping The Big Bang Theory tonight because I didn't do the previous episode's homework assignment.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Proof that even chickens believe in an afterlife.

   It'd be pretty mind blowing if a cyclops had two buttholes.

   You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.