Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   midgets who are actors and actresses must love the Xmas season. every movie or commercial that remotely deals with Santa has at least 2000 of em'

   My Husband, the "not-so-handy" handyman:)

   JAB: M-80's Don't care about your fingers and bottle rockets don't care about your eyes, stay accident free everyone and have a safe Forth Of July. . .

   3/4 length trousers... For people who look a twonk in shorts, but have a tattoo they want you to see.

   My daughter doesn't look like me, but she acts like me, we both cry when we don't get breast fed.

   how would you like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or you can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone

   If I were a bee, I'd give you all my honey. Then I'd be in big trouble with the queen. I'd get excommunicated from the hive..... Thanks a lot.

   The person who coined the term "terrible twos" clearlny never had a child that lived past 2, which is good because if they though 2 was bad, they would have lost their $hit with a 4 year old.

   This girl says she is watching her figure. That makes the two of us.

   Do ugly people know they don’t really have to use their real photos as their profile pics?

   He was a good dog. He was a smart, very good boy. Who was a good dog? Who's a hansome, good boy? Was it you? Yes it was..—---Dog obituary

   Are you a math problem because you are confusing me and making me cry

   Seriously. Don't you just love it when someone hits you up on facebook chat and your WiFi goes out?

   if you're not a bowl, joint, blunt, bong or nipple, I have no idea how to suck you.

   This has been the Hottet July in U.S. history! And not just because of ''Magic Mike'' and ''50 Shades of Grey'' temperatures have benn up also!!!

   Dragon flys those things no how to party ..flying around while having sex..oh yah.!

   No woman can ever be into you, unless with a strap-on.

   I met a girl at the bar and she said she wanted to suck on my foot. Had to tell her its not quite that big.

   Fourth place is the first to regret giving up booze and drugs for 4 years.

   I see all these different hairstyles come and go back and forth! Can ''Baldness'' have just one month.....say this September!!!