Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are so many better reasons to riot other than hockey... like a shoe sale!

   Life is all about ideas and who has the better one..

   My girl is sweet...I am now a member of her BENEFITS program...!!!!

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thins" I was joking.

   instead of supporting the stop snitching movement, some people need to support the stop doing dumb sh*t to get arrested movement.

   I'm not sayin she's the fattest girl I've ever seen but if I had to name the top 5, shed be the first 3..

   I tried to change my password to PE-NIS but the computer said it wasn't long enough

   Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision. -Dwight Schrute.

   I hate it when you accidentally scrub a Healing wound cuz you forgot its there.

   ‎99 problems... 99 bottles of beer on the wall... Problems solved.

   Well fellas another one bit the dust.......that's right he got married! Let us pray for him........................May GOD protect him, and that his wife will have mercy on his soul! And friend, I think it's time to start tweaking the whole " I, (name), a

   Facebook should a "More than Friends" Request button or basically a "F#@K Buddy" request!

   That automatic "via" message changed this week..... Just my way of quietly telling Apple to f*ck off!

   infomercials have taught me that no one can do anything right if its done in black and white. Do things in color, problem solved.

   Fuller than a tick on a fat dogs ass!

   You know when you are about to say something but that little voice of reason prevents you from it. Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   What happens at the sleepovers, Stays at the sleepovers.

   I had this crazy dream that I was on facebook writing about how I hate my insomnia. Oh wait (posted at 2am)

   Mondays are part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

   Yellow Starburst are like the fat kids in gym class. Always picked last and no one really wants them.