Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unicorns eventually got into rough @n@l-play. And that's why they're extinct.

   Whats two tamp00ns say while walking down the road, NOTHING, there stuck up b!cthes

   Went out and mercifully shot my tomato plants this morning. It was the right thing to do. They were so sick and the government wouldn't help me because I am not legally a farmer....the one died right away, but the second took two bullets.

   A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."

   if she swollows, is that canabalism?

   Bathrooms are weird. Why does the $hit room have a solid door but the jackoff room has a glass door? I don’t care if my wife walks in on me while I’m crapping…

   Smart phones may be great for tittie pics but they suck when your co-worker just had a baby…

   n't that normal?? Doesn't everyone pee in the shower?

   No matter how many times I watch Transformers, I always want Megan Fox to survive.

   Not being able to see the forest for the bears is a lot worse.

   Dinosaurs aren't extinct, they're just hiding.

   No man has ever said to a woman, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache."

   How much toilet paper does the average woman use???

   "Don't worry, there's plenty more fish in the sea!" - Err, who the hell would want to date a fish? O.o

   Pizza will you be my valentine?

   if its called mario brothers why is one named luigi...

   off to buy some new T-shirts. V necks are in at the moment. Or W necks if you are Siamese twins.

   ive heard the old saying that "opportunity is just around the corner" but sometimes a hooker is around that corner so is the hooker your opportunity?

   I like Cee Lo's "Forget You," but it doesn't compare to N.W.A.'s "Forget Tha Police"

   Fat women stay buying bikinis...Walking around the beach looking like a biscuit wrapped in rubberbands