Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if vegetarians can eat animal crackers.

   going to get some of that Saturday night beaver.

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   Its easier to prove that god does not exist than it is to prove that he does exist.

   I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.

   Can someone let Zanesville, OH know they still have 1 wild animal on the loose!! I think they call him Barack Obama........

   Trying To Conquer The World

   So what happened this morning, did Jesus see his shadow or not?

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told the class to sit Indian style. So I grabbed a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in gutter

   Dear girls who apply for a job at hooters. Do they hand you a bra and say fill this out?

   : Let's do away with the electoral vote. And go by the actual voter's vote count to determine the winner of an election.

   Reverse cowgirl or as I like to call it: Damn woman, you forgot to wipe!

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

   I schedule my appointments for 9:11 so I never forget.

   My Week day → Morning: (~_~) Middle of the day: -__- Home: \(*~*)/

   I don't look outside windows at night because I'm scared of seeing a face.

   tanning salons should make tanning funner like a tanning moonbounce called the shake n bake

   My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.

   Why no one ever pick Santa, or elves, or reindeers as a school's mascot? "Let's go Santa, Let's GO!"

   #MANRULE!!! No man should moan during sex no matter how good it feels...