Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants you and your beautiful soul

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to pray and he will starve waiting for fish to fall from the sky.

   While asking for support over the oil spill, I had a interview with a mermaid and she shouted "Obama doesn't like sea creatures!"... awkward silence

   Leaders who have hidden in a bunker and gassed their own citizens include Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. 

   Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it !!!

   stuck in the moment - well it is actually more like wedged. I think I may need an advanced escape maneuver. So glad I have that Special Forces training to fall back on in these situations.....

   Wanna play "Santa"? I let you sit on my lap and tell me what you want. I pretend to listen, call you a ho ho ho, stuff your stocking and you swallow some egg nog.

   the hottest thing next to the sun

   Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots? Me neither.

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and make so many different flavors. Recycling before recycling was cool!

   Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

   Black guy is in the electric chair. They cut his pants at the knee to attach a wire. Head of his d*ck pops out. The guy that pulls the switch starts laughing. The black guy says: Laugh man, but if I was frying YOU, yo's would shrink up too!

   ...Ellen DeGeneres has left “American Idol.” Oh great, she quits the show where she DOESN'T dance like a retard.

   When a fat chick dies she get her wings, but they're not angel wings they're buffalo wings

   I like my steak like I like my p*s$y, juicy with a warm pink center

   People that use iPhones are justa bunch of sheep that believe whatever Apple says. *Pulls into church parking lot*

   ▒▒broke my spac▒ebar but ▒▒a▒▒ little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay….

   launching a nuclear missile!

   If you believe beating your meat is evil, but beating your wife is ok, you just might just be from a red state.

   your teeth are so yellow you should get a part time job at the movie theatre spittin on the popcorn.