Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just a fig newton of your imagination

   i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

   A push up bar and a push up bra are two completely different items that have the same effect when used properly.

   todays status has been brought to you by the letter "F" and "U" and by the number "69"

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   i bet you the first club was a barbershop.

   If you go to jail and get punked for your shower shoes, pissing on your feet is an equally effective way to disinfect.

   a hazard to myself

   may appear offline

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappearing between the seats. :))

   If you throw rice at weddings, will asian people throw hotdogs?

   doesn't care that they're bad at parking. The other cars are bad at swerving!

   At a meeting last night Bill gates and Steve Jobs were both in attendance , when Gates started dozing off , Jobs replied "There's a nap for that"

   Who would win: Twenty years of experience combined with specialized professional training vs. Google?

   I once could hear everything but your cries..but now I cant hear anything but your silence....

   I don't brag at all because I'm just that wonderful.

   I woke up this morning and you were gone, then I thought... oh wait, it wasn't you.... never mind.

   eating soup with chop sticks..........this may take awhile

   I've gotta have more people in my life that love my elbows.. .

   having dingy facial hair a requirement to be a boxer now?