Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is so fat, that she only needs a cup of water in the tub to take a bath.

   For the young folks who don't know who Nelson Mandela is, he was like the Cliff Huxtable to South Africa's Theo.

   Does anyone have like ten thousand dollars they don't want

   I bought one of those cloned (stolen form Target) credit cards on the black market and as luck would have it, I ended up buying my own.

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....

   I was going to post a story about how I used to love drinking gallons and gallons of iced tea in the 80's. Then I realized, no one wants to hear me complain about the freezing temperatures outside..

   I think I have now watched enough murder cases on the Crime Investigations Channel to become a murderer.

   Brace yourself...here comes all the closet Florida State fans & SEC haters.

   "I have decided to stick to love... Hate is too much of a burden to bear" - Martin Luther King jnr

   If you axe me I be hatin' Ebonics.

   I only buy comforter sets that have white spots in the pattern

   Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumba$$".

   Unlike like years performance by bey once, Bruno mars didn't have to engineer the electricals at the stadium!

   Nothing screams stalker like a total stranger sending you a friend request from a brand new FB account with 7 friends and none mutual.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

   I am glad I was rejected for the past six months, I didn't have to buy some ungrateful biotch flowers.

   Holy moly, 4 more days until I'm a married man. It seems like just yesterday I was puking on the first day of kindergarten class.

   Excuse me Miss, but your new hairstyle is making everyone uncomfortable.

   My Resolution was to watch less por...Damn, already blew that one.

   I just got a snack, and the animals did not hear it... I might be a ninja!