Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I have now watched enough murder cases on the Crime Investigations Channel to become a murderer.

   Brace yourself...here comes all the closet Florida State fans & SEC haters.

   "I have decided to stick to love... Hate is too much of a burden to bear" - Martin Luther King jnr

   If you axe me I be hatin' Ebonics.

   I only buy comforter sets that have white spots in the pattern

   Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumba$$".

   Unlike like years performance by bey once, Bruno mars didn't have to engineer the electricals at the stadium!

   Nothing screams stalker like a total stranger sending you a friend request from a brand new FB account with 7 friends and none mutual.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

   I am glad I was rejected for the past six months, I didn't have to buy some ungrateful biotch flowers.

   Holy moly, 4 more days until I'm a married man. It seems like just yesterday I was puking on the first day of kindergarten class.

   Excuse me Miss, but your new hairstyle is making everyone uncomfortable.

   My Resolution was to watch less por...Damn, already blew that one.

   I just got a snack, and the animals did not hear it... I might be a ninja!

   I am like a buffet, you take what you like and ignore what you dont like.

   Being an adult is basically a “choose your own adventure” book, but every choice sounds terrible.

   Shout out to the top 5 kinds of boats, row, tug, sail, life and Ricky the Dragon Steam

   If you say "bae" three times while looking in a mirror you get moved to the front of the line at Starbucks.

   [first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, I'm not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd

   "Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts"-Shark Week lesson of the day