Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   If you make me a mix tape don't ever expect to be rid of me.

   My nipples don't understand that I am going to a decent place.

   inventing an inflatable dartboard

   Can someone please call Carly Rae Jepsen so we can be done with this already?!!

   If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done…!!

   I hate when I lay in bed at night and my brain thinks about all the embarrassing things that I've been trying to repress into a terminal illness.

   Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed romantic.

   I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence...And silence is not a punishment, at times it was a gift...

   I have 140 characters to get into your panties, but I only need four: wine.

   Tampa area man swallowed by sinkhole. Yep....that's where my ex-lives now....go figure...she got another sucker.

   If we really are living in a computer simulation, it wasn't very bright of the simulators to let us find out about it.

   Have you ever seen a person who said "We have bigger fish to fry" actually frying a big fish?

   # 19: You are smart and very attractive and a great ..... Ahhh!, who am I kidding? No one invited me to play this stupid game!

   prepared to kiss you whether you are Irish or not.

   My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

   my voice is girly when I talk to strangers but when i’m with friends I turn into morgan freeman!

   Ummm its not the same when your writing about SCANDAL or any other show when everyone did that days ago on faceboook!

   Sometimes, distance is the only attractive thing.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.