Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.

   How do we know who really won the Chinese Civil War?

   Saw a deaf guy using sign language with someone but then it looked like he started yelling at him, turns out he was just swatting a fly.

   I've just heard Fergie has retired, what'll happen to The Black Eyed Peas now?

   Can’t wait for when evolution gives women bigger hands, so that they can cuddle with themselves after sex.

   Come with me, I know a shortcut.

   Kim and Kanye turn to each other, nod, and smile as the baby comes out immediately crying in auto-tune.

   Youtube is down so I'll just have to go to Instagram and imagine the cats are moving.

   a Genie told me I could have a great memory or an epic Phallus, but for the life of me I can't remember which one I chose...

   My neighbors tree fell during the storm last night. Ufortunately for them they will now need to take off their Christmas lights!

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The shaker, ice and Rumple combination is the most common

   Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.

   Wow, you're sweet in long distance! Maybe a long distance relationship could work.

   We do not need psychologist anymore... Just ask: Did you google it? then What do you think?

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   If you make me a mix tape don't ever expect to be rid of me.

   My nipples don't understand that I am going to a decent place.

   inventing an inflatable dartboard

   Can someone please call Carly Rae Jepsen so we can be done with this already?!!

   If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done…!!