Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...the brain brings up the most beautiful thoughts while trying to sleep..."hey...when was the last time we discussed ghosts , haunted mansions and serial killers in hockey masks.."...Happy Friday 13th...

   So let me get this straight (pun intended), I have to travel to California to marry Ryan Gosling?!

   Sometimes when I have a heavy lunch, the only thing I keep thinking after it is "I hope I digest the food before dinner time".

   was really hoping they would name the prince Joffrey.

   If all is dishonestly truthful and deceitfully sublime, the dauntlessly delightful deliquescent shall bring maladjustment and malaise.

   My morals are questionable??

   I make money, to make money

   If she uses her panties as ankle warmers does that make her eco-friendly or just a $lut?

   i don't know how to work the panoramic options on my phone so I'm not gonna be able to send all you wanted to see in one picture..sorry

   ...in my opinion...the guy who revolutionised modern direction systems using time as a code deserves Noble prize for awesomeness....otherwise how would we be able to say..."WOAh MAN...HOT CHICK...3'oclock.!! "

   Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers".

   Caster Simenya's moustache is bigger than mine. I wonder what else of her's is bigger than mine.

   Being in love is the smartest way of being stupid.

   apparently people don't know how to read mayan in very well. it never said the world would end however I believe it said Wisconsin would close

   Saying my first day of work in 2013 sure feels like my last day of work in 2012

   You know you had a good night when you go to the bathroom the next morning and get the full effect of all the stool softener you drank...

   No one in my office is hitting on me. Seems like it's high time I shave my mustache.

   You can forget about me trying to get into your pants, I can barely squeeze into my own!

   Manti Teo's girlfriend can lipsync to an autotuned track too

   I need to turn whatever it is that allows kids to sleep through anything...like a massive clap of thunder right above the house at 230am...into a pill form for adults. I would be so rich...