Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sad news out of Ohio. The inventor or the helicopter ejection seat died from severe head trauma.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   Dear men, Life without women...... Would literally be a pain in the a$$!

   What I if told you, you read that first part wrong?

   using Just For Men on your mother in laws mustache at night wrong ? Asking for a friend ..

   For an 84 year old Chuck Grassley sure can exit a room quickly.

   I just wonder when they are going to post the videos of the new teen challenge "blow off your left leg challenge" or the new "decapitate yourself challenge"

   The Super Bowl won't be the same without Glenn Frey or Brad Delp...

   Being a human cannibal is the only job where you can be fired evey day and still keep your job :)

   Caroline Sunshine went from one mickey mouse organiation to another one.

   If a zoologist studies animals what do you call someone who studies zoos? ZOOLOGIST: if you come down off the giraffe I'll answer your questions

   For sale solar glasses only used once. Paid $ 1.25 I would like to get $1.00 for them.

   - Question: Why do they call hand-cuffs, hand-cuffs if they're placed on your wrists?

   Lynn Yaeger? Never heard of him.

   Hurricane Irma flooded Florida so bad, the septic tanks in the sewer system have started to over-flow. I guess Florida is now a brown state.

   ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

   Had a bad mix-up at Walmart today.... When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card!

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   Question of the day: If you could stop this virus and save everyone or have Bill Gates money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

   My friend comes up to me and says "Hey I smell weed!" I said "Why aren't you 6 feet away?"