Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was ending my email with 'regards' and didn't realize I hit the 'T' button instead of the 'G'

   Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.

   Breaking news!!!! US Airforce seen dropping naked Trump statues onto an ISIS Stronghold In Northern Syria!!!!!

   Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too

   ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

   Had a bad mix-up at Walmart today.... When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card!

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   Question of the day: If you could stop this virus and save everyone or have Bill Gates money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

   My friend comes up to me and says "Hey I smell weed!" I said "Why aren't you 6 feet away?"

   $50 bucks for a 3lb Honey Baked Ham. It sure better come with Honey, and her sister.

   “No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk. So y

   A gross miscalculation is 144 times worse than a regular miscalculation.

   Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

   Just watching the news who said "The coronavirus is affecting the most dense populated aria's" but think they meant to say "densely" but maybe not.

   If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.

   For an 84 year old Chuck Grassley sure can exit a room quickly.

   I just wonder when they are going to post the videos of the new teen challenge "blow off your left leg challenge" or the new "decapitate yourself challenge"