Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All this 'get on my level' $hit seriously... get ya head out ya a$$, no one cares about your make believe levels of life.

   Why did the little girl blush when she opened the fridge?...She saw the salad dressing!!

   Shout out to all the girls who know how to arch that back right when you giving her back shots

   The term SWAG originated in the 1500's ... the only thing secretly gay is you.

   Simon Cowell is worse than cow dung and dog vomit combined.

   Nobody ever lost money overestimating the fatness of Americans.

   And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Kanye West, Kim Kadarshian and Internet Explorer, I would shoot Internet Explorer twice.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour and ruin everyone elses humor.

   If we are what we eat... I'm fast, cheap and easy.

   Plastic surgery Allows you the rare opportunity to make your inner appearance resemble your inner appearance. Fake.

   Guns don't kill people. Bullets do!

   I like to just hang around the playground, watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

   I wait for my cat. His litter box is right beside our toilet. When he shows up we do a synchronized poop, high five and then share a can of tuna.

   Yes tomorrow is Friday. Big f-ing deal. It happens every week. Deal with it.

   She told me that her p*ssy must always be greeted with a kiss.

   I once ordered a sub so epic that the sandwich artist that made it cut off her ear after putting the cheese on.

   ..... Canada ..... Leading the world in being just north of the United States

   If $ex is a pain in the a$$ you're doing it wrong, that's not what that hole is for. . .

   knock knock.. who's there? Daisy. Daisy who?? Daisy me rollin, they hatin

   Fellas: If most of you lazy b@stards handled your business well between the sheets there would be fewer lesbians in the world.