Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honor America by dying from complications of type 2 diabetes.

   Look Left -----> You Failed

   :Block your husband so I know it's real.

   Welcome to " Its Friday, b!tch3s!" You may place your attitudes in a laid back or don't give a phock position, underwear is optional, and as always, thank you for joining us on this weekend adventure!!

   Honk if you're not in your car....... (My new bumpersticker)

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I dont want to wake up, I'm a sleepy head kid. Theres a million things I need to do but I want to sleep in. ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Samuel L Jackson's voice. Re-read this one again Mother F*cker to make sure it's working!!

   No one will ever love you as much as your dog loves your stinky feet

   Single people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince your girl or boyfriend you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re

   The Pope is the first to step down in 600 years due to being too tired? How tired does one get, sitting in that big comfy chair.

   You'll never forget the man who whispered sweetly in your ear "Your next poop is gonna be SO easy"

   So if I buy a blow up doll for company coz I feel lonely at home.. Will that make me creepy and gay? Coz gay is fine, I just don't wanna come off as creepy :-/

   I love it when people knocks on my door. It gives me an excuse to use my guns.

   If there's one person on the planet capable of rejecting President Trump's requests (without enduring the wrath of his Twitter fury), it's Melania Trump.

   Welcome back to 1956!

   "What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?? Barackoli.."

   Christmas; Another day of choreographed kindness and fake concern.

   The way Donald Trump’s season is going, he’ll have the first pick in next year’s draft.

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

   Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.