Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The phrase ‘you need Jesus’ was made when two drunk people were sitting in front of a pool and one said “imagine if this was a pool of wine”

   Breasts are like a model train set. They were originally meant for children, but fathers always want to play with them.

   Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

   “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, all over Mrs. Claus's face and hair..."

   For a guy who could turn water into wine, it’s surprising Jesus wasn’t a hit with the ladies.

   How is the flirty married women comment even funny. It's not, but it is an EPIC Fail !

   if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?

   its national fart on your kid day

   Herman Cain's new plan should be the 69, 69, 69 plan...

   Most relationships fail not because of the absence of Love; but because girls Love2Much & Boys Love 2Many.

   You can't just go around kissing every woman. Only God knows who busted a nut in her mouth.

   Wife: My gynocolagist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?

   I bet Lance Arnstrong lied about being the first man on the moon too

   2005 Batman Begins / Obama sworn in senate 2008 Dark Knight / Obama elected as president 2012 Dark Knight Rises / Obama re-elected Maybe Batman is actually...

   For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

   Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Me neither..but it's a good way to break the ice!

   Holy shat Marty McFly turns 50 today. (I could insert a Parkinson's joke here but that would be rude)

   Just hooked up with a woman whose ass has dimples. This is gonna be an interesting night. Goodnight everybody.

   My Life These Days is Very Simple...Eat, Sleep, Change Facebook Status...Never Better...

   Regular hobos live in a card board box Greek mythology Hobos live in Pandora's box