Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is so frigging hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in gatorade .

   Officer says "Gee, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

   Ever have one of those days where you want to punch someone so hard in the mouth that they will have to stick a toothbrush up their a$$ to brush their teeth?

   Every Indian right now is a cricket analyst !

   never shuts the bathroom door. If someone walks in, I say: FINALLY!! Get in here, shut the door, and sit on my lap!! Works every time.

   imagine if you got all the way home from the grocery store and realized you left sumpthing in the cart? then you gotta go ALL the way back to get yur kid? ugg that really bite

   People point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   Your display of ignorance is astounding. There are three separate and equal branches of government. Israel's PM, who is ten times the man odumma can ever hope to be, does not need permission from the Executive Branch to speak to the Legislative Branch.

   Socialism bad, unless I need it. Love Trump supporters.

   I'm going to buy Greenland and Mexico will pay for it!!!

   Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day everyone! If that offends you then too bad for you.

   Dems win the supreme court's seat in Wisconsin.

   thinks if ballrina's were jusy a little taller, they wouln't have to dance on their tippy toe's as much!

   feeling as sprightly today as Jim Morrison... or anyone else who has been dead for 30 years.

   When I was 13, I had my first love, ASDFGHJKQWERTYUIOPZXCVBNM above!

   You know its time to cut your finger nails, when your scrathing your balls and they start bleeding.

   Yo mama is so fat, when she walked outside in a red dress, everybody started dancing and shouted "KOOOOOOOL-AID!"

   Add Amy Winehouse's Blackberry Messenger Pin: 0V3RD053

   February is National Chocolate Lovers Month, it's also Black History Month... coincidence?

   Q: So just how much cocaine DID Charlie Sheen have last week? A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.