Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a cat and when I smoke pot I gain the ability to type for 60 secmeow meow meow.

   WE WAS SO BROKE GROWING UP MY MOM USE TO KNOCK MY TEETH OUT JUST SO THE TOOTH FAIRY COULD BRING US SOME MONEY

   you are all small minded people here!

   I wanted to tell a mexican joke today, but I didn't want to go over the border!

   Shooting pool and darts are just sports for alcoholics.

   "Bae" means "before anything else" I always thought it was a ghetto word for "babe"

   You know you don't have to show your breasts on the Internet, sometimes leaving something to the imagination is just as sexy.

   I hope in 2013 people stop taking photos or videos with a 0.2 Megapixel potato

   I just got the new RG III wobble leg doll!!

   too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

   I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.

   But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!

   I saw an inflatable ATM machine today. The screen said Please do not enter PIN

   it's that time of the year to again remind all the douchebags that think Xmas is a word that they are all going to Hell...

   What's the best poison for rats and people who reP0st sh!t??

   Lindsay Lohan was attacked in NYC, but is still alive... Epic. Fail.

   We are all just exchanging witty dialogue in the hopes of exchanging bodily fluids.

   Just saw my first flying squirrel. It was on the road in front of my truck as it flew from under a tire, over the windshield and stuck the landing head first on the sidewalk. It was awesome!

   Chicks piss on dudes all the time and call it squirting, so why was R. Kelly frowned upon...

   I only support gay marriage because I am afraid to deal with what happened to me at summercamp....but I am straight