Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why the hell are all the hot guys tall, dark and obnoxious?????? :(

   never meddles in the affairs of dragons, for he is crunchy and good with ketchup

   Tiger Woods is struggling with his driving. A pull to the left got him into tree trouble.

   Good news. Jesus has risen. Bad news. He will need to be quarantined for 14 days

   Happy earth day, earth. Sorry we're destroying your ass.

   IS relies on propaganda to recruit. Trump did the same with his 2nd Amendment remark!

   Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.

   (after getting stabbed by a mugger) I blame both sides for this. #trumpLogic

   I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over

   I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps

   im not rich so I'll put a midget in my back pocket so my wallet looks bigger

   Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

   If I was invisible I would be the most Boobie feelinest..Bank robbinest...person this side of the mississippi....Nite yall

   If your ship has sailed, chase that damn thing down!

   Most of the time I think i'd be better off talking to a wall other than you

   If you lose something let it go, but when it comes back, that's how you know.

   ...that uncomfortable moment after you call your girlfriend the wrong name.

   Justin Bieber is the real reason why Ricky Martin decided to come out of the closet

   cant believe the yanks but the bin out on a bank holiday