Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

   I can't tell if its the acid I dropped or the green beer I've been drinking since 12:30 a.m., but there are Leprechauns everywhere!! HAPPY PAT'S DAY LASSIES!!!

   Would it be inappropriate to go to the bars tonight wearing only a Green Lantern costume, with a 4 leaf clover on my finger as my ring and carry a Heineken mini-keg as my lantern?

   They never should have made the game life. I was under the misconception that it was as easy as rolling dice, getting awarded a job, and stacking pegs on top of your car.

   I just ate the chocolate off of 6 peanut butter eggs and now I have a pile of peanut butter... Yeah boyee!!!!!!!!

   Bowling is like doing meth, every time I spin I always end up in the gutter.

   forgetting about the price tag.... and hoping my dad does the same whenever he gets my credit card statement!!

   Actually my ex was a good cook, I have the waist to prove it, nothing else.

   When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.

   Can you imagine Augustus-flavored chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it

   If I ome to your house, I'd appreciate it if you tell me which furniture you've had sex on before I sit down. Thanks. y

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS!

   Since Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable you wouldn't be surprised if they made mayonnaise an instrument

   I say we consolidate all ska bands into one giant ska band, unless that's what happened already.

   Death is at the NBA's door and Stern just invited it in for a cup of tea.

   I'm at work and keep hitting ESC on my keyboard, but I'm still here....I think my keyboard is broken!!!!

   I'm pretty sure the guy who invented dino nuggets had a heck of a time trying to explain to everyone else what he was aiming to achieve.

   Definition of Happy: When the police check-point station picks the car behind to pull over for random search

   I've learnt that money can't buy love, it can only buy you attention and company while it lasts.

   You know you back in Miami, when You pull up to a light and a Bum throws a quarter at you.