Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate how my child always moan about how much I drink. I'm tired of having to remind him that if it weren't for the alcohol, he wouldn't even exist.

   I always keep a gun in my glove box. Not for safety. For making people exit a moving vehicle when they b!tch about me listening to Bob Dylan

   There is a whole market of fools out there who are willing to buy any product no matter how outrageous and absurd it may be to the average thinking man.

   Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...

   Damn! Freddie Mercury has never looked better!!

   I thought the term "chillaxin" meant chilling at home with laxatives. Looks like it's going to be a long night.

   my mother always told me , believe none of what yah hear, and only half of what yah see

   thanks dad, for filling my inbox up with fwd e-mails...

   The East Nile virus is apparently not as deadly or notorious?

   Oh ! The first page popped up when I typed "childbirth " on Google was "durex"!!!

   Everyone is at an uproar over published materials.... " Royal Kate over Closer magazine" , "radicals over a cheesy film", "Me over a stupid how to make money infomercial!"

   So did anybody catch X-factor? That BIG BIRD looking chick was singing , more like squacking! guess her future on the line too.

   There's plenty of fish in the sea. Build an aquarium...

   10-11-12..........Happy I can count past 9 day.....:-)

   Hurrican Sandy is mother natures revenge for Jersey Shore.

   ‎"Fungry" The State Of Being Hungry.!

   Here's to the kisses that I snatched, and Vice versa. Bottoms up fellas.

   I blocked Taylor Swift but her songs still play on my radio.

   I think about you all day & I can't wait to sleep at night just to see you in the morning. This is how I know our love is real, food.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...