Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is about what you do after the knock happens.

   Anyone at the self checkout you get an employee discount

   Return to work after vacation with fresh, re-energized hatred for your job.

   When you take away the purchasing power away from the hands of the majority and put it in the hands of the few, you have a housing crisis. By that I mean not enough palaces.

   Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   To Those Who Are Single. Have A Happy Go F#ck Yourself Day. . .

   Has your credid card ever been frozen due to suspicious behaviour? "Let's go over your recent transaction history...it seems like you have been to a lot of bars lately." F*ck, don't judge my Monday nights....

   I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making....

   Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....when is it safe to leave the witness protection program??

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."

   Every time I have to dress up in this killing heat I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and start putting on my clothes….

   There I was just standing there minding my own business when some jerk behind me screams for me to drop my weapon and put my hands on top of my head ..... Some people really have a lot of nerve.

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them

   If pizza was a person, it would win the Nobel Peace Prize every year.

   I'm looking to make some extra beer money so I'm painting these ibuprofen blue

   you're saying, "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future." Just because you're perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect; you might be hopelessly unhappy with yourself.

   i must be old school, I prefer 720p to 1080p.

   Don't drive while sending mixed messages.

   We as a species want what we can't have and ignore the really great things sitting right in front of us I'm massaging my nipples right now!