Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Death is God's way of saying you are fired. Suicide is your way of saying you cant fire me God,i quit!!

   well we know God isn't a woman... otherwise we'd all be sandwiches

   now that the Winter Olympics are over, the rest of the world can go back to forgetting that Canada even exists...like Luxembourg. Remember them either? Nope.

   if mothers taught their teen daughters to take it in the a$$, teen pregnancy would be greatly reduced!

   Dear W0KE, jerk-offs: I'm a wh¡te, heterose×ual, Christian male who owns a business and more importantly, knows to mind his own business. I suggest you do the same.

   All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you

   Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

   For Halloween I went as a Republican: I bent them over and screwed them and they didn't even know it.

   Fellas: You are delusional if you think you can eat pu$$y better than a lesbian.

   The Rockin' Praise band at your hypocritical Creep Me Out Church doesn't exactly make your ancient 13th century worldview progressive.

   Elementary math problems are weird."'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9 What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Leslie Neilsen died?! Surely you can't be serious?!

   will gladly brighten your atmosphere.

   .. I maybe dumb enough to listen to him, but I am smart enough not to believe him.

   # They should call the daily press briefing, the daily depress briefing.

   If your God is totally ok with nuking an entire country but not with 2 guys marrying, you might consider exchanging that God.

   Why are people talking about Trump and hurricane Harvey, when they are not blasting Obama for Katrina. Am I right?

   Why do I have to pray to G0D for help? Doesn't he know? I mean, he's G0D for G0D's sake.

   Never take acid with a squirell named... Hey squirell dude, what's your name? Phil? Never take acid with a squirell named Phil.