Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breakfast with Obama: $38,000. 4 Years Of Political Favors: Priceless.

   Call me a romantic, but I like my women how like my stool: loose and corny.

   What has 32 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk??? MY ZIPPER!!!!

   on a (̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ ̅_̅_̅()ڪے break !!

   will publicly ridicule anyone caught reading "Going Rogue" I'm just throwing that out there. You've been warned.

   how can the world end in 2012 if I have a yogurt that expires is 2013?

   who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box..... had to be a female......

   glad he crashed the wedding.

   So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.

   Death is God's way of saying you are fired. Suicide is your way of saying you cant fire me God,i quit!!

   well we know God isn't a woman... otherwise we'd all be sandwiches

   now that the Winter Olympics are over, the rest of the world can go back to forgetting that Canada even exists...like Luxembourg. Remember them either? Nope.

   if mothers taught their teen daughters to take it in the a$$, teen pregnancy would be greatly reduced!

   Dear W0KE, jerk-offs: I'm a wh¡te, heterose×ual, Christian male who owns a business and more importantly, knows to mind his own business. I suggest you do the same.

   All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you

   Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

   For Halloween I went as a Republican: I bent them over and screwed them and they didn't even know it.

   Fellas: You are delusional if you think you can eat pu$$y better than a lesbian.

   The Rockin' Praise band at your hypocritical Creep Me Out Church doesn't exactly make your ancient 13th century worldview progressive.

   Elementary math problems are weird."'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9 What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."