Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   free: Pmsing wife comes with big bag of Skittles,

   having a 10 second honda is kinda like coming out of the closet, some people may be surpised at first but in the end your still gay

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met Andy's mom's toys.. Especially since they probably have the same names ..

   •_•) <) )╯Tee / \ (•_•) \( (> gee / \ (•_•) <) )╯eye / \ (•_•) <( (> eff / \

   Last year my friend told me to have the best day ever, so I did. My life has gotten worse every day since then.

   Trump to visit the U.K. in the next two weeks. That will only give him 14 days to learn how to speak english.

   Truth isn't truth? Okay then, I guess food isn't good as well. Stupid senile old man.

   Today, I feel sorry for the poor saps who decided to boycott the NFL, four years ago, just because of stupidity.

   Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"

   Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.

   Canada: Compared to the USA, it's the North American equivalent to the kids' table at a holiday dinner.

   Anyone else notice that the new Pope looks like Homer Simpson after a hunger strike?

   I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch...You have to try the Chick on Chick sandwich...

   If I ever caught a robber in my house looking for money, I'd start laughing and start searching with him.

   how do germans tie their shoes in little nazis

   Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!

   I'm just like Jesus except I can't turn water into wine, just life into shi t.

   My husbands wife is freakin' awesome!!

   If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.

   Dear douchebags; Take care of your Ladies, or some A**hole like me will sure do it for ya!