Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got my confirmation! I'm on the guest list for Charlie Sheen's Brews, Blow & Hoe's party.

   Censorship makes me sooo (bleeping) angry

   i only drive one kind of stick...and it isnt standard ;)

   Marc Anthony: "Let it rain over me!" R. Kelly: "Are you sure?"

   Dear Jäger I think we need to stop seeing each other...."Maybe we have too much in common.  We are too much alike." If the phone doesn't ring, it's probably me....

   Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.

   Just because we don't know what name to call what we are to each other doesn't make what we have any less serious.

   really starting to believe that my bosses 'other car' is a broomstick

   I'm kinda bored...I think I'm gonna go hang this 'No U-Turn' sign in a cul-de-sac somewhere.

   You are the most amazing thing I could ever ask for. I love you with all my heart and I hope you never change again because you are perfect the way you are. You mean the world to me in every single way. Love you FB

   FAST 6 , "The race to the Senior Discount Breakfast at Dennys". The next movie in the outlived Fast & The Furious Saga .

   Soo busy today but I FINALLY got a chance to sit down for a minute..... too bad i'm still at work and the place I'm sitting is on the toilet :/

   Why do I know all the words to Cher's Shoop Shoop song? And why is it impossible to look cool when you get caught singing it in traffic

   I just found out that the life insurance policy I put on Osama Bin Laden is invalid..... Damn!

   The wife and I to spice things up have been getting into S&M. But it can be dangerous so you have to have a safety word. Mine is "bor....ing"

   Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak

   Plan A doesn't work in your love life, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   Hie! do you want to dance? Ok, go and dance while I talk to your cute friend here.

   evEr nitoced how hwrd it is to tpye wiht yuor left hnd whsilt you are wnaking?

   So, I just txt'd my mom that the baby might have a black eye tomorrow. Her response? "What does the other baby look like?"