Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two blondes were going to disneyland. When they came to a fork in the road . The sign read "disneyland left" so they went back home.

   Soooo, I went to Home Depot to pick up a power washer and BBQ grill. With everyone wearing face masks 😷I brought home the wrong wife. After shes done with the deck I'm taking her back! 🤣 🤣 🤣

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that Jake from State Farm is no longer white

   Carrot top gave the greatest performance the White House correspondents' dinner has ever seen. Greatest ever!

   It's Be THE Best. There you go, I fixed it for you. You're welcome!

   Bought a stick deodarant. Instruction say "remove cap and push up bottom"....... I have trouble walking, but when I fart, the room does smells nice.

   A man injured his hand at work. The doctor said sorry but we need to amputate one of your fingers. Man ask the hole finger? Doctor said no, the one next to it.

   Here's a list of my favourite xmas carols.

   Shout Out to the Kids in the Projects that left some Milk & Cookies out for Santa but the Roaches got 2 it first.

   If you're single, happy go f#ck yourself today. . .

   Thanks to the last 8 years, at least the east side has plenty of vacancies!

   Democrat bill would force Trump to disclose White House and Mar-a-Lago visitors, including Vladimir Putin and Kanye West.

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   Just farted so badly Adam Sandler is pitching to buy the rights to make a movie about it.

   Remember, YOU are unique ... just like everyone else.

   Reese with her spoon is always ready for cereal.

   I never realized how many people I know that cared about Britney Spears's sister...

   Its 103 outside an I'm inside watchin tv under my snuggie.. Thanx A/C!

   Better to go in one ear and out the other than in one ear and out the mouth.

   David Guetta, "all the crazy sh** I did tonight those will be the best memories". So, will they?!