Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just set my alarm for 2013, this year already sucks

   My friend recently died whilst playing golf. Police say they are unsure what the cause of death was but I'm certain it was a stroke.

   Nothin' makes me feel whiter than when the Beastie Boys start rockin' out on my iPod... and I'm ok with that. :)

   "Get off your high horse!" - Veterinarian who prescribed medical marijuana.

   I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis.

   Oh you can drink a beer in 10 seconds? You must have a very productive liver.

   World class egyptian soccer fans world class..

   Forget dude below me and the damn rodent. I'm predicting winter will last until March 20, 2012, at 1:14 A.M. (EDT)

   The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving'

   Small things amuse small minds.

   Self Deprecating Humor: making jokes about yourself for a laugh. Self Deficating Humor: pooping your pants just for a laugh.

   No one is happier that a fat and ugly b!tch chosen to be the assistant of the day on Dr Oz show.

   /( . why . )\ Happy topless fat tuesday c(¦

   Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

   Don't put your card into someone's SD slot without protection. They could have a virus.

   Yesterday the weather was cold and miserable. Today it's sunny and hot. Global warming you've got to love it

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want Data from Star Trek.

   "Oh yeah, well my people invented nachos" - Easiest way for a Mexican person to win any argument

   You're not my typo.

   I walk around with a city map so people think I'm a tourist and never bother to ask me anything.