Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving'

   Small things amuse small minds.

   Self Deprecating Humor: making jokes about yourself for a laugh. Self Deficating Humor: pooping your pants just for a laugh.

   No one is happier that a fat and ugly b!tch chosen to be the assistant of the day on Dr Oz show.

   /( . why . )\ Happy topless fat tuesday c(¦

   Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

   Don't put your card into someone's SD slot without protection. They could have a virus.

   Yesterday the weather was cold and miserable. Today it's sunny and hot. Global warming you've got to love it

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want Data from Star Trek.

   "Oh yeah, well my people invented nachos" - Easiest way for a Mexican person to win any argument

   You're not my typo.

   I walk around with a city map so people think I'm a tourist and never bother to ask me anything.

   At page 120 of 500 page into fifty shades of gray the wife is asking question of things in the book. Crazy part is she didn't even ask how I knew.

   The female bottom is a wonderful sight to behold, and by behold I mean it's the most magnificent of grabable things.

   I met a girl the other day who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom. So I electroshocked her.

   I do what I want, when I want, where I want! If my mum says it's ok.

   You know you're a Lo$er if your mom wants you to help set-up things for your twins Surprise Birthday Party!!!

   When the teacher says you'll be working with partners then adds ''But I'll be assigning them!''

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous.

   Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. I'm going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.