Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonalds and Roaches will be here forever

   Don't be a dead hero, if it ain't got sh!t to do with you keep moving.

   doubling his calorie intake to gain weight, and all this is doing is making me drop quatros instead of dueces.

   student loans are just like Justin Bieber, they will not go away,no matter how much you wish they would.

   There are some 35–45 year old men who think Cyber Monday means something else...

   When animal over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we step in and cull them, supposedly for their own good. But when human beings over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we look around for another planet to colonise.

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.

   i have just woke up with 3 broken ribs, 2 black eyes,concussion,apparently when the wife asks whats on TV tonight, 6 inches of dust is not the right answer !!!!!!!

   It's shame Kim Jong I'll never got to start his rap career, in which his stage name would have been 'K.Jong Da Illest'

   Sometimes you have to hurt someone's feelings just to let them understand how it felt when they hurt yours.

   I found a sealed turkey sandwich, ranch dressing and gatorade in my car. Santa must of mixed my car up with my stocking.

   You can get away with a lot more in a song than you can get away with on a mic in front of the House of Representatives.

   Life is the school Love is the lesson and sex the homework. so don't forget to do the homework tonight

   Life is long and rough, S*ck my life!

   Whatever happened to the honesty box?

   Greatest fear in life…. Someone will find a way to retrieve everything I've ever googled.

   why do you keep talking to me? what part of "I don't care" do you not understand?!

   Because of KIAs recent recalls, the Raphamsters change their tune frm, "You can can with THis or you can with that" to "You can recall This, or you can recall That"

   We are living in a age where losing our mobile phone is more hurtful than the break up!

   When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.