Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Has Tim Tebow been signed yet?" - Robert Kraft

   She sells sea shells down by the sea shore. She is broke AF.

   I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.

   I never ever delete messages… just in case someone decides to start acting different like you weren’t saying that May 14, 2013 at 1:22 PM.

   Sex so good that she forgets about Dre.

   Think I'll move to Russia, it will save me shipping and handing on mail order Russian bride. . .

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia.

   How can I get on one of these disappearing planes?

   I’m starting to think some people only have girlfriends so they can walk slowly in public in front of some guy in a hurry

   that horrible moment when you actually fall in love

   Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.

   if a tow truck hauls an RV, does that make the tow guy a "home-wrecker"?

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   2014 parent: "when I was ur age we had morals back then...no sex before marriage,no drugs, no alcohol".Thanks for being honest...so I'll be honest as a 2044 parent "When I was ur age I had loads of unprotected sex,drugs and alcohol and here I am now"!

   Sleeping is so old school, there's no technology involved

   Once you've made a person feel like they don't matter, they'll leave you alone, but they'll never forget.

   Apparently it's frowned upon to moan when getting a pedicure. Related: Sorry, Ming, it was awkward for me too. But damn, you rub me good!

   If you don't believe in evolution just look at how much stronger passwords have become over the past few hundred years.

   The only things that should be fat are your pockets.