Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   THAT CHEWBACCA LADY IS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING NOW, SHE LOOKS LIKE MY EX.....

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   [In the car on first date] Her: So you're 27 Me: Yup Her: You don't think this is awkward? Me: No why? Hold that thought. Mom turn left here

   My Life Isn't American Idol, So Quit Trying To Judge Me!!!

   @CauseWereGuys: If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.

   A general rule of thumb is, there is almost nothing in my head worthwhile to say it.

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   This is the last time I lie down naked on the subway tracks during rush hour. I hate when people are complaining for nothing

   "Has Tim Tebow been signed yet?" - Robert Kraft

   She sells sea shells down by the sea shore. She is broke AF.

   I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.

   I never ever delete messages… just in case someone decides to start acting different like you weren’t saying that May 14, 2013 at 1:22 PM.

   Sex so good that she forgets about Dre.

   Think I'll move to Russia, it will save me shipping and handing on mail order Russian bride. . .

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia.

   How can I get on one of these disappearing planes?

   I’m starting to think some people only have girlfriends so they can walk slowly in public in front of some guy in a hurry

   that horrible moment when you actually fall in love

   Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.