Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My tonight my girlfriend is equal parts the internet, a tube of KY jelly, self-loathing and a sock.

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.

   you’re a grown man who gets erections. what business do you have saying sh*t like “it’s my birthday month”?

   I'm gathering game request to throw back at you!

   I'm an accident looking for a place to happen!

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   Ha!.. More like social needia, if you ask me....... ....Please go ahead and ask me

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich

   If Nutella & marshmallow fluff made sweet sweet love & had a baby,,, I would eat that baby.. The End.

   My voting ballot is just an adult coloring book.

   THAT CHEWBACCA LADY IS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING NOW, SHE LOOKS LIKE MY EX.....

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   [In the car on first date] Her: So you're 27 Me: Yup Her: You don't think this is awkward? Me: No why? Hold that thought. Mom turn left here

   My Life Isn't American Idol, So Quit Trying To Judge Me!!!

   @CauseWereGuys: If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.

   A general rule of thumb is, there is almost nothing in my head worthwhile to say it.

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   This is the last time I lie down naked on the subway tracks during rush hour. I hate when people are complaining for nothing