Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.

   "the Doctor of Death, and I have come to cure you of your life."

   My teacher gave me an F today on my paper, because she said the Bible wasn't a reliable source

   Man it boggles the mind why some retards even educated ones for that matter still continue to buy into these bogus faith healers' cons. People need to accept that healing ended with Jesus and everyone else is just a con-artist who should be arrested.

   Stupid kidney stones ! I was just rubbing one out and shot the cat.

   friends are like potatos,if you eat them they die

   Hearing those four little words always makes my day. “Your order just shipped.”

   I want to thank my trusted speech writers: Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V.

   The only thing Martin Luther King ever did for me was get me a three day weekend.

   waiting for MTV to check out my crib...

   Now that summer's over, I'd like to suggest to the ladies (and guys from Canada) that next year, unless you have a rear end made of perfectly sculpted stone, don't wear a thong.

   was surprised to find a Christmas present from last year while getting the decorations out. The kids were all excited as I opened the box. What a pity it was a dead puppy

   wondering if he's the only one who thinks the lady who got attacked by a chimp and showed her face on Oprah looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle

   "making plans for tonight, want to be part of them? "

   Thanksgiving! The time of the year where the bathrooms are the busiest

   If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off

   Why does watching Twilight New Moon make me want to watch Teen Wolf!

   taliking to his wall. sssshhhh!!!!!!!

   Sorry, I'm into the "inflatable" type.

   dyslexic which means never having to say that you're yrros