Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So high, God told me to get off his roof.

   HAPPY CHILDRENS DAY :)

   a firm believer that drinking beer makes you you smarter...I mean, it did make Bud weiser!!

   There is no SPF strong enough to sheild you from the sheer awesomeness that radiates from my ass!

   REAL! Don't let facebook fool you... Just because you can't smell, taste, or grab him through your computer screen does not mean he doesn't exist. Have faith little one, and your devotion will be rewarded...

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   I just paid $200 to join the National Believers in Reincarnation Club. It cost alot but oh well,you only live once.

   sometimes I wish I was a monkey so I could throw poo at people--like you!

   Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

   Just started the all donut diet, or as I like to call it, Glazed Anatomy.

   The cows in the meadow go moo the cows in the meadow go moo and then along comes a farmer and whacks them in the head. and that's how we get Hamburger

   This is not the greatest status message in the world. No this is just a tribute!

   doesn't blame Congress. If I had 600 billion does I would be irresponsible too...

   knows that God only created so many perfect heads. All the rest, he covered with hair.

   saving a lot on car insurance by switching to Geico. (singing) I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHING MEEEEEEE..

   n't it a coincidence that KFC came out with the Double Down Chicken Sandwich just days before 4/20? Come on, a stoner def came up with that! Two pieces of fried chicken, bacon, and cheese. Def stoner food.

   my girl said she needed some space, so I shipped her off to NASA

   I'm so hungry I could eat the A$$ end out of a rag doll.

   Now that we've separated all the crazies into "Tea Party" and "Occupy Wall Street," can us normals just get on with our lives?

   Toilet was stolen out of City Hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on!