Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes I wish I was a monkey so I could throw poo at people--like you!

   Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

   Just started the all donut diet, or as I like to call it, Glazed Anatomy.

   The cows in the meadow go moo the cows in the meadow go moo and then along comes a farmer and whacks them in the head. and that's how we get Hamburger

   This is not the greatest status message in the world. No this is just a tribute!

   doesn't blame Congress. If I had 600 billion does I would be irresponsible too...

   knows that God only created so many perfect heads. All the rest, he covered with hair.

   saving a lot on car insurance by switching to Geico. (singing) I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHING MEEEEEEE..

   n't it a coincidence that KFC came out with the Double Down Chicken Sandwich just days before 4/20? Come on, a stoner def came up with that! Two pieces of fried chicken, bacon, and cheese. Def stoner food.

   my girl said she needed some space, so I shipped her off to NASA

   I'm so hungry I could eat the A$$ end out of a rag doll.

   Now that we've separated all the crazies into "Tea Party" and "Occupy Wall Street," can us normals just get on with our lives?

   Toilet was stolen out of City Hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on!

   GHETTO word of the day:CHINO, Chino like it when I spend my whole paycheck on beer

   Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? A: FULL!!!

   Seismologists have confirmed the cause of the quake in DC today was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!

   If I'm reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.

   MSN News: Hippo caught on camera chasing boat. I think you'll find it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

   says the best answer to "(S)he died? What happened?" is "They stopped breathing"

   My mom woke me up today at 2, I was so hung over, she told me I needed to get a job, I told her I got 3 last night.