Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you remember the "yellow isle" at the local grocery store.

   Lil Wayne engaged, Wiz engaged, Snooki prego & engaged, damn everybody got a ring except Lebron!

   BALL SO HARD MUTHAFCKAS WANNA FINE ME." "Grandma, just pay the parking ticket..."

   Jimmy Fallon will last on the tonight show less than a fart in a picnic basket

   It's been so long since I've gone to church, I couldn't even tell you what year God wrote the bible.

   On the day before Thanksgiving, I am thankful for Small Pox....if not for that, my house wouldn't be where it is. (Too Soon?)

   I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays

   Walked into Walmart and met a woman who had one callus on her toe. Does that make her a unicorn? Imagine that You can see unicorns at Walmart

   I'd pay to watch certain people burn alive in some mega corporate sponsored stadium event.

   My favourite Christmas song is the one about baby Jesus passing gas. Forgot what it's called but the main chorus is "Do you hear what I hear?"

   WAITER: Did we decide? MY DATE: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. ME: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot and fresh out the kitchen.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm the only guy wearing a thong with Jesus' face on the crotch.

   if wine is the blood of christ, why make up a song asking fro jesus to take the wheel?....u just asked for a drunk driver

   If you believe a womans place is in the kitchen you must have just finished having sëx and that þìtçh is making your sammich.

   Kris Kross will make you... Jump Jump. The Daddy Mac will make you ... Jump Jump. The Mac Daddy will make you.... OD in your living room.

   So far the only things drained from the swamp have been truth, dignity and legislative ability. Cool hats though.

   I just saw a Ritz Crackers commercial with some frootcake putting on lipstick, then going over his blowboy's house for huggy time. The world is ending.

   Roger Ailes (1940-2017) is survived by Satan, Cerberus and Bill O'Reilly.

   It's all fun and games. . . Until Santa checks the naughty list.

   @XplodingUnicorn If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.